Prayer of Presence

Grant me the patience to open my ears

To hear.

Am I right now here, is the present unfolding?
How is the real now present before me,
What sense engage me, what am I smelling,
Is it all so unpleasing,
Is it only displeasure that wakens my mind?
Is it only delight which fill me with purpose?
Grant my frustration be fascination.
My joy yield to question.
May judgement give way to simple attention.
That I should seek to understand the Here.
A luminous procession that washes my neurons.
Just please, let me finally be.

Now.

What do I do?

I write a post, I like how it looks! Why can't the draft stage look as pretty as the published version! It's computers. Take post down, edit it, repost 3 days later. (Repeat)

Starting to let things go, looking for short projects. Beginning, middle, end, let it go. Enter the digestion phase. I've had my share of Beginning, middle... neglected projects.

It's the sorting out of the ideas, the narrowing of potential directions.

I roller bladed to yoga. Just munch on that.

My kid rollerblades, from teenage years. New leaves starting to show, mini neon fractals! Birds, early morning drivers squinting. Got approbation from white haired pompadour hispanic dude pushing 80, a real treat. Got lots of howdies.

At the yoga class, I'm the only student. People want to talk to me a lot, want me to talk to them! I'm a big giant solitary only child who's developed a habit of internal amusement. So, realizing this, I make an effort. Start opening up.

I think that's why I liked the movie Amelie so much- it was sort of a catalogue of how the joys of a solitary childhood cary into adult imagination.

The teacher says at one point that these stretches are naturally detoxing. "See you're already undoing some of the damage from this weekend." WOW prophetic... our culture is so proud of it's toxicity.

How do I?

Friday.

It was a little hard to be sober.

Thursday was dreamy- I was off from work, so had time to work on music, which I did. Got a solid day's practice- had some great ideas for the viola. How to practice the Bach- spend 5-10 minutes on a problem, then move on.

I have mad ADD right now. I'm noticing the effects of caffeine. Is that new? I am drinking more coffee- recently rediscovered cream.

Yesterday, so productive. Today, wtf. Work fragments my attention- my job. I compensate with easy distractions. Is there a way/method to split... digesting non-sequitar entertainment with researching my long term goals?

I feel detached from my dream so don't feel happy about actions/events.

So on the bike ride home, I'm cussing everyone. Take a litmus test of my mood, make a choice to see good instead of bad. It helps. Start laughing at people being good assholes. Like when I bike into a cross-walk and a guy says "HE-llo". Start noticing characters, like the Conversational Bikers, those chatty buddies who bike one-handed. Salty looking turquoise helmet girl with matching rubber waders. Woman who does a u-turn at a stop sign and gets furious at pedestrian.

Get home, can't make myself do anything more. That same thing is at the root of so much!

So I press record and make noise.

Choosing to develop the habit of... seeing the good qualities? Remembering the good qualities? Something like that.

Saw a tall thin short haired quintessential goth girl, long, slight, pre-fauxhawk edgy crop, face pockmarked with acnee, she was so beautiful. Stepped out of my dream comic book.

What is this?

Ok, full disclosure. I started this blog because I'm interested in being sober. For one month. To start.

It seems like I can relax on my own.

I guess for a while there, I didn't believe I could relax? "Feeling relaxed" is apparently the same feeling weather you're sober or intoxicated. Just feeling like... breathing deep... and being realistic...

That's important too, as it turns out- I did NOT understand for a long time (still) that some of my expectations were unrealistic.  For myself or for other people.

I wonder what all this will do to me...

You know what else? I want to learn how to blog. How do you, what, how is this blogging thing? Is it like journaling? Can I be funny while blogging?

Just as I'm turning this new life-page, it's beautiful outside. Spring is slowly giving way to summer! The misty season of youth rolls into adolescence, on breath of flower and moss. What a great time for art projects!

Photography, music, tarot, writing. Maybe video! Yoga! Yay May!!

Thank you for reading xo